To my grandfather, whom I wasn't able to say my last goodbye.

Friday, July 15, 2016

I dedicate this blog post to my grandfather who passed away last week due to a car accident. I can still remember the scene when my father called me with the news saying that my grandfather is gone. I just went, huh? In my mind, I felt like he was just in the hospital trying to get better or something, that someone just exaggerated the news that he was gone. My heart and mind never accepted it.

Me and tatay on my 7th birthday

What went through my mind when I heard the news? Regrets. So many regrets. My grandfather was a tough old dude. He was always the angry one. What he wants is what he gets. But other than that, he was generous and kind. When it comes to his grandchildren, despite everything, he will be there, he used to give me money even when he had nothing left for himself.

I felt like I haven't been a good granddaughter to him. These are my regrets, I haven't even told him that I love him, that despite everything, he was still my idol. That I love how he loves my grandmother deeply. I never got to hug him one last time. The last time he went here, I haven't even spoken to him long enough. I haven't asked him how was his trip, was he tired? Did he want to eat? I can't even remember having a short conversation with him. I did not even greet him on his birthday. I was not able to treat him when I got my first payslip.

I haven't told him how I thankful I am for giving me the greatest dad in the world. During the funeral, those were the thoughts that haunted my mind. While I was sitting there, looking at his coffin, I can still feel that he was there, like at some point he would come through the door, nagging at how I sit like a boy. He would ask if I had eaten, and he would scold me for not finishing my meal. His death was not sinking in, or I just wouldn't accept it.

I haven't got the chance to spend time with him for a long time because of the distance.

His death was a shocker, an eye opener. These words, these tears, no matter how meaningful they are, it still means nothing because he wouldn't hear them. I think I can move on from this, but I will never move on from the fact that I did nothing. I was writing this with rivers of tears, It was sad, painful, but hopefully it will get better.

To my family, the ones that are left, let us not forget the meaningful life that tatay left. Let us not live in pain, but with lessons learned. Let us always recall the memories left from him and nanay. Let us promise to be complete without saying goodbye to another loved one. We may always be together in a tragic way, but at least we were together for a while. In the end, we always regret the chances we didn't take.

For now, we say goodbye to you tay, we will always remember you. Forever. I love you and I'm sorry.

Goodbye, tay!

4 comments

SabineJul 19, 2016, 4:24:00 PM
It must be hard no to be able to say goodbye. But this article is your way of doing it. Beautiful idea and great to illustrate it with pictures. Your grandfather is important to you and this is great to honor him.
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♥♥ SzandraVNR ♥♥ Jul 23, 2016, 10:25:00 PM
It must be really hard to you, dear. Your post makes me cry, it was so beautiful. I lost my grandfather too and I know how hard to say goodbye.
I'm your new follower on GFC.
Bye, Shiki

[Beauty and Destroy]
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